We’ve all had some bad sex from time to time, but these fine folks on Reddit are the Donald Trump of (some literally) shitty sexual experiences. Some of these are way too nasty to fully post on our site. Go over to dudecomedy.com for the full grossness.
1. I was with this girl and she was kind of an emo chick. I can deal with that. She also liked it kinda rough which I was also kind of ok with.
Then we are having sex one night and she wanted me to choke her. So whatever cool I do a little choking and try to make her happy. She keeps saying she wants to be choked harder and harder. I keep doing this and she finally tells me to choke her until she taps me on the shoulder. She wanted to be f*cking choked out practically. I finally start choking her the way she wants but at this point I’m scared this girl is going to die. I release my death grip and she slaps me in the face and says “choke me harder you bitch.”
So I just start f*cking her and choking her as hard as I can and I’m about to ████. I want to get this shit over with and nope the f*ck out. Apparently she could tell I was about to ████ and she told me to ████ inside her. NO F*CKING WAY was I ████ing inside this f*cking crazy girl.
So I pull out and ████ on her tummy. She is not pleased. She swipes the ████ up with her hand and f*cking spidermans me. Here I am sitting here with my own ████ on my face and this bitch f*cking pissed off because I didn’t kill her and risk impregnating her to form a crazy master race. I left and never saw her again.
2. Drank way too much free champagne way too fast on New Years Eve. Met a girl, ended up hitting it off, dancing, and we caught a cab together. I was already feeling nauseous at this point and wasn’t going to invite her over, but she said “we can go to your place.”
We were making out standing up, started stripping and I pulled her down onto the couch. Sitting down quickly made my head spin and I was on the verge of hurling, barely holding it in. She starts riding but I can’t hold it in anymore. I take off my festive New Years cardboard tophat and vomit into it with her staring right at me. Needless to say, that killed the mood.
3. My Wedding Night.
Don’t get me wrong, my wedding was one of the happiest days of my life, and I’m so lucky to have shared it with my wife. But the day of your wedding is very, very long and draining. By the time you hit midnight, the spirit may be willing but the body is exhausted. But since it was our wedding we did the deed anyways, for like a minute to consummate the marriage, and then promptly fell asleep.
4. She very drunkenly decided she wanted to try ████ (back-yard ficus planting).
I wasn’t going to turn down the offer.
Went at it for a few minutes and pulled it out of her ████, she sharted on me leaving my thighs, dick and stomach looking like the mud flaps on a dirt bike.
I threw up on her back and she called a taxi.
3/10 would not recommend.
5. Quick version. Her and I are playing tie up, We’re having sex. Its all good… She orgasms pretty tough, arms and fingers getting all contorted and such. She starts convulsing, I feel like a champ. She then gets really quiet and starts crying, now I’m confused. She sits up and digs her phone out of her purse (Im still confused AF) she makes a call and walks into the bathroom. Not a single f*cking word to me… (Now Im waaay more confused at WTF just happened) turned out she called her best friend and shares the story with her about her first orgasm right there on the spot. That’s all fine and dandy but WTF. Might have wanted to fill me in on WTF just happened. So for 10 minutes or so Im left standing with my dick in my hand without a single clue if I should be facepalming and fistpumping
6. I was with a girl who had just gotten an IUD that very weekend. What she neglected to tell me was that you are supposed to wait up to two weeks after getting the IUD before having sex, as there is a little copper wire that hangs down into the vaginal barrel, that naturally retracts back in or something after a bit of time. She only waited two days, and things got hot. We start going at it slow, and then I decide I’m about to lay down some pipe. I pick up the pace and almost instantly stab the end of my dick with this copper wire. I pull out in pain to find my dick bleeding, at which point she decides to tell me there may be stray metal inside her. I still have trouble getting up sometimes if that thought decides to pop into my head.
7. In my freshman year of college, there was a lot of drinking. One of my buddies really liked drinking Everclear, which is 95% grain alcohol. So during the pre-drink he convinced everyone to take a team shot of this devils juice that burned your tongue and throat the entire way down. I survived, and continued drinking throughout the night.
Fate had me pick up a girl at the bar we went to and I brought her back to my place. I was pretty drunk but I felt well enough to have “ok” sex with this girl. As she was on top of me, she kind of leaned forward and pressed against my stomach forcing a little burp to find its way up my throat and out of my mouth.
This is where it all went downhill. That Everclear, I took a shot of earlier, was all I could feel and taste from the second it left my stomach to the second it left the tip of my tongue. It forced an unintentional, undirected puke straight at her and in the last ditch effort to safe myself and her from being covered, I leaned over the bed and aimed for the floor. Unfortunately all of her clothes were right in my line of fire. Poor, poor girl. It was the worst sex I ever had and unless she has a vomit fetish, I’m 100% positive it was hers also.
And the one that takes the cake:
8. Penis in the butt; diarrhea.